Old Before My Time

 Today we met my oncologist.  I walked into the waiting room and everyone was at least a hundred.  It was super depressing and sickly-feeling.  Thankfully, the oncologist was very positive, young, and really took the time to explain everything, answer questions, and lay out a game plan for what the next few months are going to look like.  So here’s the deal: 3 weeks after my surgery I will be starting chemo.  I do 6 cycles which means I go in for infusions once every 3 weeks for 4 ½ months.  I have to have a procedure done beforehand where they put a port in my chest so they don’t have to stick my arm every time.  Sounds attractive, but at least it’s hidden under my shirt.  Along with the chemo cocktail which should end in June, I will be taking a drug called Herceptin which, like the chemo drugs, I take intravenously, but apparently the side effects are much less than the chemo.  I am on that for one year.  Because my type of cancer is considered triple positive (a good thing apparently because it means it is receptive to drugs), I will also need to take a pill called Tamoxifen for five years.  Yes, five YEARS!  (If my lymph nodes come back positive after the surgery then I will also have to get radiation post-chemo, 5 days a week for 6 ½ weeks, but I can’t even go there right now).  Considering the only meds I currently take are a multi-vitamin and the occasional Advil, I think my body is going to be in for quite a shock.

How big a shock?  Well, let’s see.  The universal side effects are nausea, fatigue, and of course hair loss (which apparently falls out fairly predictably at 2 ½ weeks into chemo).  Alright, knew that was coming.  There’s a whole slew of other troubling less common side effects (like heart failure!) that I won’t get into, but the other one that applies to me is early menopause.  I have about a 50/50 chance that this will trigger early menopause.  Are you kidding me?!  I am expecting my AARP membership in the mail any day.
The truth is John and I were on the fence about having a third child.  He was perhaps leaning a little more towards no, and me towards yes, but it still pisses me off that the choice is no longer mine.  Even if I get lucky and don't go into early menopause, the doctor's recommendation would be to not get pregnant for 2 years which is stretching it a little too late for my advanced maternal age!  Even then, I'd have to take a break from the five year Tamoxifen which would put my treatment at risk, so really it's a no go.  I know I should feel incredibly lucky that I had my two awesome boys before all of this happened, but at the same time I can't help feeling a little...cheated I guess.  I spoke with a woman recently who was diagnosed with breast cancer while she was pregnant.  They ended up taking the baby early at 7 months, and all went well, but she had her first round of chemo when the baby was one week old.  Can you imagine?  Remember how lousy you feel one week post-partum and then adding chemo on top of that?!  Makes me seriously want to give myself a slap for whining when I think of being in that situation.