Positives

It's currently 27C, the sun is shining, and spring has sprung.  Things could definitely be worse in Chemoland.  I don't want to jinx anything, but round two has been unexpectedly better than round one. I was all set with my 100 count of Percocet, and so far no stomach pains or cramping at all. I've got the predictable fatigue, bad taste in my mouth (imagine a clove of garlic stuck to the roof of your mouth that keeps messing with your taste buds), and cravings for carbs, but otherwise feeling good. All this gorgeous weather has had me lamenting my inability to go for a run of late (plastic surgeon's orders), but I started thinking this morning that I'm lucky that I have enough energy to get out and walk and enjoy the day.  I'm sure not everyone has that luxury. The cherry blossoms hit their peak bloom today, and because a trip into DC might have been a wee bit ambitious, I decided to enjoy the sights at our local Meadowlark Gardens over lunch. If you have some chemo convalescing to do, and even if you don't, nothing is better than a little outdoor therapy. 

Mom with Baby

When I got home from my walk, I found another card from my chemo angel, Stacey, in the mail. I think I have posted about this earlier, but if you have to undergo chemotherapy as part of your treatment, I highly recommend that you sign yourself up. Stacey is a 40 year old mom and wife who lives in Bellingham, WA, about 1/2 an hour from the Canadian border (coincidence?) who loves the outdoors, running, reading and hiking. She is my card angel and sends me positive thoughts and inspiration through my chemo. There is some kind of power in hearing from a real person and breast cancer survivor that life does in fact go on.  Other people have been through this and beaten it - and I will too - I just need to keep moving forward. 

And while I'm on the subject of free chemo stuff, if like myself, you happen to be under the age of forty, you should check out the resources at Tigerlily Foundation. I received a "Buddy Bag" this week for some extra pampering during chemo which included a tote bag, throw, lotions, and healing stones, as well as cute "silly sacks" for the kids each with a story book and colouring pages. They also have a program with Let's Dish which provides meals to families during this time.  Trust me, I'm not going through chemo for the swag, I just think it's nice that there are resources out there that people can take advantage of while life is a little crazy. And you know that the majority of people manning these operations are survivors and volunteers which just completes the circle.

Our Tigerlily loot

Chemo - Round Two

Just a quick update.  Had my second infusion on Monday.  Pretty uneventful four and a half hours.  Felt fine yesterday and today.  If it goes the same as the first round I expect to be start feeling tired tomorrow so am working from home.  Thursday and Friday will likely be "vacation" days.  The chemo nurse told me there is a delay when it hits you because it takes a few days for the liver to process all the drugs and break them down.  I also apparently get an energy boost from the steroid I take the day before, of, and after treatment, which might explain my trouble getting to sleep the last two nights!  All quiet on the western front for now. 

It's Been 7 Hours and 15 Days...

So I've been thinking about Sinead O'Connor lately, and what is perhaps the best break up song ever in the most sad category. But more importantly, do you remember the video? It's truly brilliant. It's nothing but her face the whole time, the shaved head, the gorgeous eyes, and her expressions say it all.  She even cries at one point. Seriously, if I looked like this right now I wouldn't be wasting my time with the hot, itchy wig. Forget the underhair and the bandanas. I'd be rocking my big bad bald head.  I realize she isn't technically bald, she's beautifully made up, and still has possession of her eyebrows and eyelashes, but still. I know you've had some rough times lately, Sinead, but this St. Patty's Day I am raising my cup of green tea in your honour - you rock. 

Allow me to segue into my own crazy experiences this week. It all started on Tuesday with what I thought were swollen eyes due to all the pollen from the ridiculously warm weather we've been having here. When my feet wouldn't fit into my shoes, my watch had to move to a bigger hole, and I could barely get my rings on, I figured something was up.  "Is this normal?", I ask my oncologist.  "Well, it's not abnormal (I'm coming to detest that phrase), it's just that we tend to see it in patients closer to round five or six."  Fabulous, so I'm going to look like a blowfish by the time I get to that point?  She prescribes some kind of diuretic, but cautions me against using it too much (or at all?) because she's more concerned about me getting dehydrated than puffy.  Sigh.  Why is there never an easy answer?  So, I've basically accepted my new state of bloatedness, and if I feel like I might start to drift away I have the meds on hand to release the flow.  I also really need to buy some cheap flats in a bigger size for work, because my slip on garden clogs don't look very cute with a dress.

Which brings me to the hair.  "Has it started to fall out yet?", she asks.  "Yes," I admit, running a hand through my hair to reveal a fistful of blond locks.  "Do you have a plan?"  Hmmm.  "If by plan you mean ignoring my hair trail and trying to finish out the work week until I can face reality on the weekend, then yes."  "Honey, you're lucky if you have 24 hours.  I'd leave here and go to your hairdresser and get it done today."  Seriously?!  So now I'm in the parking lot sending a message to my boss:  Chris, do you mind if I work from home the rest of the afternoon? I need to shave my head.  Thanks, M.  Then I call my hairdresser who is of course booked for the day since I am calling same afternoon.  "Hi, Brenda.  This is Michelle, the Canadian - I was just in a couple months ago getting my haircut before returning to work?  I know this is a strange request, but would you have time to shave my head this afternoon?  Great, see you at 4.  Bye."  

At this point, I'm so tired of trying to keep it all together that I almost feel relieved that it's coming off.  My hairdresser is, of course, lovely and turns me away from the mirror so I can gaze out the window while she is buzzing away.  I repeatedly assure her that I'm fine, and she comments on what a nicely shaped head I have.  When she flips me around, it's really not that big a deal.  John basically gets this same haircut every 6 weeks.  (He usually gets #1 on the sides, and #2 on the top, whereas I have #1 all over). So I'm Sinead, so I'm G.I. Jane. Whatever. It's only hair. 

The "Weekender"

The harder day was Wednesday, when I actually had to wear my wig in public for real. When you're trying them on in the shop it's all fine and dandy because you still have your real hair underneath and it all seems to far away and surreal. Walking into work that day was difficult, humiliating really.  Of course everyone was gracious and said it looked fine, but I think it's horrendous. The problem is that I have really fine hair and it's hard to get past the fact that my volume has tripled. I feel like a muppet, or the fifth Beetle. Plus, all the extra weight gives me a headache by the end of the day (not kidding)! I also can't stand hair in my face, and of course they're very front heavy so you don't see the cap at your hairline. Drives me crazy. I have a feeling I will be moving toward scarves in the near future, and if they're not professional, so be it. I'm probably the only one that cares anyway.  Because I can tell you C was pretty much unphased and uninterested in my whole hair saga.  We had "the talk" while he was in the bathtub. I showed him my wig. I showed him my shaved head. He asked if I could help him find his boat...

Giving Back

All and all, I'd have to say this has been a pretty good week. After a bit of a rough start on Monday, I finished out the week feeling SO much better and even had the energy to go to the gym at work twice to ride the bike and do the elliptical. It felt amazingly good to be back in the gym again, even if I'm not allowed to do anything high impact just yet. My physiotherapist tells me my arm has been making gains in its range of motion, my hair is still attached to my head, and I have one more week of respite until round two of chemo. Life is good.

But what I'm most pleased about is that I was offered the opportunity at work to be the Honourary Team Captain for our Komen Global Race for the Cure Team. I've mentioned in earlier posts that I would love to be involved somehow with this year's race, and now I am. It's not like it's my team or anything, but I'm thrilled to be able to help with the fundraising campaign and be part of the committee that helps motivate people to join and, of course, donate. They asked if I would mind creating the official team page, including posting my picture, which will be sent to all staff and to our entire distribution list of ex-pats in the region. I figured having the big boss on the home page wouldn't hurt either, so I arranged a photo op to motivate the troops, to which he readily agreed. Being the vain person I am, I asked if we could do the photo asap before my hair falls out. Problem was, it was a crazy windy yesterday and we were out on the rooftop balcony. The wind is blowing my hair back with such force that I look nearly bald anyway! (Somehow the boss seems perfectly coiffed). It was a good thing I wasn't already in a wig or the cars would have been driving over it on Pennsylvania Avenue. 

On June 2nd, the day of the race, I will be in the midst of my fifth round of chemo, but I will make myself finish that race even if I have to change places with one of the kids in the stroller.  John and I signed up to walk, and plan on doing it with the kids, and I just want to take it all in at a leisurely pace and enjoy it. When you're running a 5K it's over in a heartbeat - there's such a throng of people to work through at the start and then you barely get a chance to look around before you're crossing the finish line.

So here's my pitch: If you're local, I'd love for you to join Team Canada and come walk/run the 5K with me, John and the kiddoes! (Use the discount code EARLYBIRD to get $5 off registration before April 13th). If you can't make it on June 2nd, or you're reading this from afar and aren't already a part of the race, I would really appreciate your support by going to the homepage and donating to the cause. You can click on my name and check out my personal page.  Every little bit helps! XOXO.

Sucky Symptoms

I'm happy to report that today is the first day that I have not been utterly exhausted and in significant "discomfort".  I was feeling kind of depressed yesterday because I was back at work and still fighting the fatigue and constant cramping that I had been experiencing for the past week, and was starting to think that my plan to work through the chemo was not going to happen.  I looked through my book of myriad symptoms and severe cramping was not on the list.  So far in round one of Michelle vs the Chemo Demons, days 4-8 have been the absolute worst.  Hopefully I am over the hump.

On a positive note, I also had my last visit yesterday with my plastic surgeon until after chemo, which should help ease a lot of the pain and stiffness from the expansions.  Now I can just let the tissue heal and expand on its own, until he does the final swap for the implant approximately one month post-chemo (once I have "recovered" from that).  Hopefully my temporary break-up with my plastic surgeon will allow me to spend some quality time with my physiotherapist so she can be more successful in breaking up the scar tissue in my arm and regaining some of my range of motion.

And finally, inevitably, my scalp is starting to get sensitive and itchy.  Yes, I know what this means.  Everyone has been telling me that my hair is going to start falling out about 2 weeks into chemo.  That's this coming Monday.  I've been trying not to brush it or do much with it, but I really doubt it will make any difference whatsoever.  I've been debating what to tell C.  Do I just tell him I'm cutting my hair and don't go into the details, or do I tell him I'm sick and that my hair is going to fall out and be gone for awhile?  I just worry about freaking him out.  He's pretty much oblivious to everything so far, other than I have a sore side and eat more "vitamins" than I used to.  It's funny that hair has played such a prominent role in my posts; it really seems rather trivial when you think about everything else that's going on.  Yet, I've read that for many women, losing their hair was one of the most traumatic events in their cancer experience. For me, it just strips me of all privacy.  Maybe I don't want the cashier at Target to know I have cancer, then again, maybe I won't care.

March Forth!

March 4th, the only day of the year that is a command, as well as John's birthday, so march forth we did!  I was set and determined for hubby to have a fun birthday no matter how tired and cramping I felt, so I sucked it up and we hauled it off to the Natural History Museum - one of our faves - for some morning fun.  We checked out the butterfly garden, and all the parts the kids love like the dinosaurs bones and mammal exhibits.

I said in my last post that I feel like a hundred year old woman, but in some respects I also feel like a toddler.  I needed a snack when the kids started to whine about being hungry, I could only last a couple of hours, and as soon as we got home it was straight to naps for everyone.  Well, except John, who was probably catching up on work of some kind or another.  When you think about it, spouses kind of get the shaft in this whole business.  I get all the attention and flowers, and he gets to do more house and yard work solo.  Not that what I'm going through is any picnic, but he has to work a full time job plus come home and pick up the slack on all the stuff that I'm unable to do right now.  He often deals with the medical insurance issues that come up since it's his work plan, and I know he's behind at work because he also tries to come to all the "big" appointments with me, and in the beginning there are just so many that are critical to the big picture.  So here, J, I am officially putting in in writing that I am grateful for all you do and would never even have made it this far without you!  Happy Birthday! We love you! 

Dinner at Dogfish Head Ale House

Technical Difficulties

I heard from several people that they couldn't leave comments without having a Blogger account which didn't sound right, so I played around in my settings and think I have solved the issue so that anyone can leave a comment if so desired.  Blogger had it sneakily set up that way as a default setting to "encourage" you to set up an account, I imagine.  If you encounter any further difficulties let me know - this is all new to me!  As always, thanks for your feedback and stay tuned. 

Freaky Friday

Just to bring you up to speed, I turned one hundred this week.  Wednesday, I was actually still feeling pretty decent.  My expander was still bothering me, but I even went into work to attend a seminar, and although I probably over taxed myself a little bit, it wasn't terrible.

Yesterday and today (days 4 and 5), have been a whole other story.  Remember Freaky Friday?  Well, instead of inhabiting Barbara Harris or Jamie Lee Curtis's body, I got Betty White.  Not even.  Betty is way more spry than I have been feeling.  Just total and complete utter exhaustion and weakness.  My oncologist said some people describe it as fatigue similar to third trimester pregnancy.  Ha!  I don't know about you, but my pregnancies were relatively easy.  Sure I was tired when I got home from work and often took little cat naps, but I went to the gym or walked right up until the week I gave birth and wasn't sick at all.  Other than appointments, I didn't have to miss a day of work while pregnant, but the thought of actually going to work yesterday or today is making me laugh.

I had nothing on the calendar today, so I got up and had breakfast with the kids at 6:30, read a few emails, and then went back to bed for half the morning.  I got myself showered, had lunch, forced myself to do my physio exercises, and then went for a little walk around the neighbourhood.  Please don't envision me power-walking or busting it down the trail.  Think of walking with your toddler and that is about my speed.  It just makes me feel so much better to get outside and get some fresh air; I have never been one to stay in the house all day.  It is very disconcerting to feel so unlike myself.  I'm a total weakling.  (And as soon as I'm done with this update, I will be returning to bed for nap # 2)! 

Thankfully, I have not been feeling any nausea.  Every time I eat something, I get these uncomfortable cramps for a few minutes after, but they seem to go away on their own, so I ignore them and try to keep on moving.  I have basically been eating my regular diet, although I guess I am anticipating nausea so I am probably choosing more bland comfort type foods than I might normally?  Could be worse. I am also trying to drink more water.  I have never been good at staying hydrated so I hope this is one routine change that sticks. 

I'm really hoping that this is my "dip" and I will start to feel better as the weekend approaches. I didn't want to compromise my family time feeling crappy, so my hope in starting treatments on Mondays, was to get it over with during the first five days and then be functional and fun for the weekend and upcoming two work weeks.  That was the plan anyway...